Forget the Past

2011-09-22T11:24:00.000+08:00

so...have been keeping myself busy lately with games, sadly, only 5~10% of the players are singaporeans. many claim that this game is too hard to play. wth...nvm bout that, I've been enjoying the game by myself alright so far.. and i guess im just happy with it..

Took my piano exam just yesterday and it was both exciting and traumatizing, it took me only 3 years to get to my current grade, yet i haven't taken any exams before so this is counted as my first. usually people will take about 5years or so, and would have taken AT LEAST 2 exams on the way. not for me, i was pretty nervous...

lucky for me, the piano they use was of higher grade and i love the feel, the song went well for me, but not the Minor Scales, i was all chilled up and my hands were shivering badly, i got stopped for "attempting to try out the scale". oh crap. the fact that i got it all in my mind was hopeless...

then came the part where i had to sing, i paused at one note alittle too long but manage to finish it up without problem. (had to count to doh-reh-mi cause i suck at it). then came the last one, he played a song, and asked me 3 questions, I'm not sure but i'm very sure it isn't romance, no sustaining pedal used, not classical cause the left and right hands notes seems to be clashing often. so i answered 20th century...70% im right. (pray)

oh, i'm blogging because my game's currently under maintenance. sucks, but its okay, i'll go look for piano scores and stuff.

alittle side note >> those rubbish that's been posting on my cbox, really rubbish like. i have no idea how these people can say my daily life can appear as tips.

off i go...wherever the case,

signing off..

2011-09-16T09:51:00.000+08:00

As happy as the normal days could go, i find it always come to an end. where things never go the way you expected it to be, feeling rather helpless and lost. it's not like i ever expected anything, and i know i've done wrong this time, an apology isn't just enough..

There's nothing i could do now, nothing to expect, as i know, this could all be fated. Not to have any close friends, any girlfriends and such, i feel I'm missing a whole new world out there but, honestly, do i have to discover it all by myself? i hate being alone...

I think it's about time i gave up doing any good stuff for everyone else, about time i stop bothering about getting fame. what's all these point, fuck this.

I've planned a good $900 birthday bash but i think i'll just cancel it. I'm blacklisted by you afterall, i dont wanna even bother doing anything anymore. If i'm so easily blacklisted by you, then maybe i'm not worth being your friend either.

Like my friend who left me alone when she got attached. she told me all the bad stuff about being attached and such, she met her old classmate and he told her she liked her (oh yea they hadn't met for years btw), and after 2 days, they are together, so much for telling me about the bad stuff on R/S. SIGH!

and here i am, blinding just attempting to occupy myself by doing my best to make everyone else happy. so far, i should say, i'm a big failure, it's depressing, it's painful, but nobody wanna hear me out, when everyone got their own problems, they rant it out, but when it's my turn, everyone seems to disappear, like they never existed. F* this...

I might just lock myself at home forever, till i serve the nation in the army. who cares? i doubt anyone does.

Screw this..

2011-08-23T00:56:00.001+08:00

So I'm not really updating this blog regularly, but well, life hasn't really been going well for me. One thing after another, and day after day, I just feel like I'm draining and wasting the life I have, the fun I miss out..

But honestly, I don't know who tO contact to ask out, everyone I ask out either thinks I'm after them or simply ignores me. How great is that? And when that person needs help, they will come look for me, and anything after that is history, like I never existed. It makes me feel super lonely. Where I don't know who my friends are, who will be there for me, and most importantly, who I can rely on..

I spend my weekends working, other than that, I'm at home, just surfing through YouTube watching the stuff I already watched a hundred times, play the game that I will turn off after it launched for 5-10 seconds, lie on the bed and try to sleep more..it's not like I'm not working to earn money, I earn cash well, but I need to have fun too, but apparently that part of me is a major failure..

Looking back now, maybe I shouldn't have treated people so well after all, whats the point when nobody will return the favor when the time comes and I needed it so badly, everyone is selfish from what I can see, and I can't force anyone either, I'm not that type, it's pathetic, I rant out on my blog but sadly nobody can hear me out...

It's almost hitting my limit where I somehow will start falling into depression, in and out of depression, as I struggle to hold onto myself, the only thing so far I manage to do are :

Visit an arcade myself, got bored after 10mins.
Watched a movie alone, surrounded by couples and groups.
A brief walk in the park
Practicing piano

If things can't get worst, here's a bigger bad news, my whole family will be leaving for different countries for their respective purposes, and I'll be home alone for 4-5 days at home. Was thinking bout calling a few friends over but...let's see..I don't have anyone I can call to accompany me..pathetic once again..

I wanna learn to socialize more, but I don't think I'm very good at that, people see me as someone fierce, because the normal face I have appears to be fierce to everyone. SIGH.

Sometimes when I lie in bed, I wonder to myself if I should get a girlf to really accompany me, but then again, I'm very afraid that I'll get taken advantage of, not well appreciated, and instead of getting accompanied, I feel more lonely, so many worries, but well, I'm not thinking about that now..

It's the 4-5 days alone at home that makes me worry more. I really have nothing to do, maybe it's gonna be a typical day thing where :

Wake up
Wash up
Read news
Read business news (not the ones in newspaper,somewhere else)
Prepare lunch
Eat lunch & watch a random YouTube video
Practice piano
Practice piano
Try to compose something
Surf the net
Surf the net
Prepare dinner
Eat dinner & watch a random YouTube video
Clean the cats
Lie on bed
Hopefully doze off early

Well, I don't know, to do these routine daily can make one go crazy, it's like there isn't any purpose anymore, I'm just doing the same thing over and over everyday!!

I don't know, I'm praying for some miracle to happen, like someone appears and hopefully chats with me more often, willing to accompany me, well that's all I guess. I don't ask for too much, after all, I learn that money can't buy everything, it only buys happiness to my taste bud and my stomach. But not emotion happiness...

Signing off...

2011-08-23T00:50:00.000+08:00

So I'm not really updating this blog regularly, but well, life hasn't really been going well for me. One thing after another, and day after day, I just feel like I'm draining and wasting the life I have, the fun I miss out..

But honestly, I don't know who tO contact to ask out, everyone I ask out either thinks I'm after them or simply ignores me. How great is that? And when that person needs help, they will come look for me, and anything after that is history, like I never existed. It makes me feel super lonely. Where I don't know who my friends are, who will be there for me, and most importantly, who I can rely on..

I spend my weekends working, other than that, I'm at home, just surfing through YouTube watching the stuff I already watched a hundred times, play the game that I will turn off after it launched for 5-10 seconds, lie on the bed and try to sleep more..it's not like I'm not working to earn money, I earn cash well, but I need to have fun too, but apparently that part of me is a major failure..

Looking back now, maybe I shouldn't have treated people so well after all, whats the point when nobody will return the favor when the time comes and I needed it so badly, everyone is selfish from what I can see, and I can't force anyone either, I'm not that type, it's pathetic, I rant out on my blog but sadly nobody can hear me out...

It's almost hitting my limit where I somehow will start falling into depression, in and out of depression, as I struggle to hold onto myself, the only thing so far I manage to do are :

Visit an arcade myself, got bored after 10mins.
Watched a movie alone, surrounded by couples and groups.
A brief walk in the park
Practicing piano

If things can't get worst, here's a bigger bad news, my whole family will be leaving for different countries for their respective purposes, and I'll be home alone for 4-5 days at home. Was thinking bout calling a few friends over but...let's see..I don't have anyone I can call to accompany me..pathetic once again..

I wanna learn to socialize more, but I don't think I'm very good at that, people see me as someone fierce, because the normal face I have appears to be fierce to everyone. SIGH.

Sometimes when I lie in bed, I wonder to myself if I should get a girlf to really accompany me, but then again, I'm very afraid that I'll get taken advantage of, not well appreciated, and instead of getting accompanied, I feel more lonely, so many worries, but well, I'm not thinking about that now..

It's the 4-5 days alone at home that makes me worry more. I really have nothing to do, maybe it's gonna be a typical day thing where :

Wake up
Wash up
Read news
Read business news (not the ones in newspaper,somewhere else)
Prepare lunch
Eat lunch & watch a random YouTube video
Practice piano
Practice piano
Try to compose something
Surf the net
Surf the net
Prepare dinner
Eat dinner & watch a random YouTube video
Clean the cats
Lie on bed
Hopefully doze off early

Well, I don't know, to do these routine daily makes on pe go crazy, it's like the isn't any purpose anymore, I'm just doing the same thing over and over everyday!!

I don't know, I'm praying for some miracle to happen, like someone appears and hopefully chats with me more often, willing to accompany me, well that's all I guess. I don't ask for too much, after all, I learn that money can't buy everything, it only buys happiness to my taste bud and my stomach. But not emotion happiness...

Signing off...

2011-08-17T18:08:00.000+08:00

I'm not going back on my words, so that's all about it...

It's been a long week, and all I do is sit home rotting off. Just waiting for my final 3 papers to end and I'm free from studies. Next up will be national service for 2 years..oh man. Just when I thought my life is so boring...I'm like a no lifer..

I just wanna know more people so I can chat with them when I'm bored. Apparently at my current pace, I can't even find a decent person to chat with me. Isn't that just pathetic? I send text messages around but hardly get any replies, so is there something wrong with me? I guess so too...

M bored to the extend where I just lie down and sleep all day long. Its no longer interesting and I have nowhere to go, nobody to accompany me and stuff...

Caught a movie alone last night, horrible, I see so many couples around and I feel so lonely. Sigh. Is there anyone out there I can reall talk to??!? Someone in the same situation as me?

Alright, I need to rest, I'm going crazy...

Signing off..

2011-08-14T02:27:00.000+08:00

So this is what my life is about, making money and nothing else. it seems like i'm stupid enough not to go out into the world to enjoy myself, like everyone else is doing. The best moments in my life is spending time in front of the piano, while people seem to have many other choices, so...am i really that lifeless?

i asked myself this questions numerous times, and sure enough, at certain times i do agree, but mainly, i feel this is what i am afterall, i wasn't born to have so much fun, wasn't born to have much friends.....speaking of friends, i would love to list down the people who have significantly made a difference in my life so far, i cant thank these people more than enough...so here's a toast to these kind souls :

Neo Shu Li

From the time i knew you, you were marvelous, you cared for your friends equally (from my view). i remembered the time when i was having my attachments, in the IT show, knowing i was starving, you specially made cookies and bought some food and specially came down to my booth to pass it to me. i was speechless, i felt a thank you was too simple.

well, that wasn't the end, you also continued to hear me out when i felt troubled. I knew there were times when you met me, you were just too tired, so sorry about it but, yes thank you once again. I never knew much about you, but the times we spend sitting down and talking, it made me understand more about you, don't get me wrong, but i treat you as a close friend..

For that, i hope my little present as a friend can display half of my appreciation to you.

He Jiayi

It's never because you were my ex-girlfriend that made a major impact. it was the kindness and care in you that made me look into a different direction. you changed me in many ways, you accepted the fact that i am a junk food lover and even took the time to make a card for me to "redeem" potato chips as i wish.

I kept my promises even though sometimes i delayed them. It was never about the love that made me wanna care for you, it was what i see that made me do it. Though i dare admit I lost feelings for you, but never once i lost the feeling to care. you're like a close friend i never wanna lose. I hope the coming present will do much good to heal that gap.

Wille

Though many people never knew who you are, let me do a brief explanation. I met wille when i was doing Singtel roadshow 3years back as a part timer working at his shop. I don't wanna reveal too much information because well, i'm a very secretive guy. so that's all..He's my business partner, friend.

I closed my previous business because of a heavy downfall, well not really, i lost opportunity to grab the market in time because of my studies, you saw the talent in me and gave me an opportunity to do business with you. It's not official that the business is up, but i really hope we can help each other out, make money and yea, thanks again for everything...

Dominic

17 years of friendship and counting, tell me, how can i ever miss you out? We've been through so much shit together, and you've actually endured all my shitty, whacky, wild business ideas, and managed to pull through with me with high profits. Thank you so much. You invested heavily on my business but i never fail to return profit, i guess that's just fair right?

Money, it never occurs to me that i'll ever need to deal with money together with you. afterall, you are the study nerd, I'm the practical guy. I guess maybe we should start another business together after you come out to work. It'll be fun!

Like i said, it's these people that made me who i am today, without them, i might not be where i am today, all of them helped me through, and i managed to pull through.

Oh wait, I never did miss anyone out, because i never forgets. Most people around me are just there to "use" me. well, i'm never too sure about their intentions, but most of them either find me to kill time with SMS, OR, some other stuffs.. It's takes alot of time and hard work to be close to me, but trust me, it's not about hard work all the time that makes things successful, it's about commitment.

All i can say is, it's easy to feel "close" to me, but to actually have me feel close to you takes time. For now, i'll go have some rest, maybe ignoring some people i'm starting to dislike...there we go! :)

Signing off...

2011-08-10T23:01:00.000+08:00

So, here i am again, might have something to say, might have not..

well, what's there to think about, i should just relax myself first. and that's exactly what i'm doing. let my decisions all be made when the time comes, i really hope i can treat everyone equally, that is, after i graduate. it would really help lift a heavy stress of about 80% off me, yes 80%.

though i can say i felt something amiss, but i told myself to ignore and go on. there's no point looking back and thinking about all the bad stuff i've done, what's done is done, all i have left is the future, what i can do to improve myself, and what i can do to be a better person overall..

My whole family's leaving for different countries soon, parents going over to australia, elder bro going to australia to visit his girl, youngest brother going for school trip to vietnam. I'm left all alone, what the hell should i do?! by then I've already graduated, and there's really nothing else i can do. let alone asking people out (oh yea i have limited social circle around me)

why? cause i'm an all work and no play person. i suffer from motion sickness and that's one big major impact that disables me from playing any PC games, console and stuff. I'll puke and fall ill if i try. the only thing i can do to kill time? plan for new businesses and well, maybe read some books to improve myself more...sounds contradicting?

I did try to look for ways where i can make more friends, many suggested clubbing....erm...club? that's not a place for someone like me right? i don't drink, i don't smoke and stuff. so how else? seriously, i really DON'T KNOW!

anyway, i did think about it and i told myself i don't need friends, i only need a few close people, a few i can trust and i'm good to go. what's the point of having 500 friends but none i can trust? i rather have 5 that i can trust.

okay, i'm giving myself a 5day break before i start revision for exams, it's tiring, and i'm glad my cousins are returning to their countries tomorrow, i really miss my bed badly. Let's just hope my dim mood start improving..

Signing off..

I wouldn't mind sacrificing 20 years of my life to have the power to move back in time.

2011-08-10T12:58:00.000+08:00

I might have finally come to a conclusion, but i cant bring myself to actually do it. It's like punching someone you hate when you day dream but in reality, it's hard to bring youself to do it..

I wanna move on, but as i promised, i wanna treat her the best i could. I've done too much for her and she's done too much hurt for me. I doubt it's fair, i doubt anyone in this world would even appreciate it. I hate myself, i hate being rich, i hate being who i am.

Maybe i just wanna settle down and stay single for the rest of my life, I no longer have interest in getting into any sort of relationships anymore. I'm just too tired and exhausted from all these to even bother further. Maybe i need some rest, maybe...

My vacation trip to Thailand half spend sleeping away. i was too tired to even move. it's good i had a vacation, even if it meant sleeping away in the hotel. I need more rest, i need more rest....i promise myself i will rest more really soon..

I'll have to give myself more time to think about it, but right now, I'm holding back, i wanna surprise her, but I'm confused if i should just let her have the time off this period. i really need someone to talk to..but who? my social circle is so extremely limited.

I'm slowly starting to feel bad about myself, hate myself. Maybe I'm born this way? i hope not....I hope i'm being correctly really soon...

signing off..

2011-08-09T15:50:00.000+08:00

Once again I might just fall into deep regrets, into something I could predict very well and avoided long ago, but I didn't, I ignored my instincts and decided to make her happy, or at least with what I have..

She asked for a cool down period whereby we won't talk or even contact, but deep inside me I already new, this is the end, nothing comes good from a cool down period as I constantly tell myself that I'm gonna give up, and i wanted to push myself so badly to do it..

I know, I spend a lot of cash for her, working my ass off to get my business up at the same time, somehow I knew this wasn't going anywhere and I wanted to give up so badly, yet I pushed on and treated her nicely and pamper her, but she isn't my girl, nowhere near as she does not have the slightest feeling for me...

I felt stupid, like what I felt for the past few relationships, it was dumb, I didn't wanna let go, and at the same time, I wanted to find someone who can always be there for me, is that too much to ask for?

I think I might have finally come to a final conclusion, irony wanna get into any relationships anymore, just be on my own, nobody to talk to...this might even be the end of everything..I hope I stay strong and push on...

Signing off depressed..

2011-07-26T14:44:00.000+08:00

So i finally handed in the report that i spend countless of nights working on. intensive researches, sentence-reconstructing and so much more...but everything came down to only 40 pages. i was kind of disappointed, what's worst, i spend a total of $12 just printing it.

when i submitted it, my supervisor smiled and said "project is finally ending". i was happy to hear that, after a year of single contribution, it looks like it will finally pay off with all my efforts rewarding me. that's what i hope for now, the interview will be conducted next week.

I manage to take a one day off from my busy and hectic schedule yesterday. it was awesome, my IMac finally turned into a gaming device, other than just using it for work, work and work.

Though i should admit, things did die down alittle for me, but I'm still not convinced about where I'm currently heading towards. There were waves and waves (i mean intervals) of sms coming in from total strangers, some were girls looking for a date, others were people looking for jobs.

I dont know how my number can really spread so fast, neither am i entertaining those who are looking for dates, seriously, i have no time for that right now. I wanna go back to the old days, where i focus 100% as a pianist, i miss those time where i am able to spend around 3~4 hours in front of the piano.

I shall review myself again, I am interested in a date with any girls, doesn't really matter much but I'm not in a hurry either. whatever comes, comes. If I'm not fated to have one, so be it...I'll learn to live as it should be..

Signing off..

2011-07-24T12:59:00.000+08:00

Seriously, I don't understand people, when they want the truth, they get all angry and fired up about it, but when I lied to make them happy, they asked me not to lie. I'm getting stuck in between more around this kind of stuff..

Wouldn't it be cool to be able to read one's mind, and somehow decided what to do next? I really wish so, we actually live in a world full of strange people, people who never look at what they have and realize how fortunate they are with what they have. We live in a world where greed is like an everyday thing..

I can't say I'm NOT greedy, neither can I say I'm very greedy. I tip cab drivers everytime I took one, I do my best helping everyone, even if it's someone totally stranger with. But do people like me exist everywhere? I guess not. If yes, we won't have so much problems in society right now.

Dont mistake me as someone ready to commit suicide, I'm not. Like I said, if you happen to read this, congrats, it's almost a hidden blog and I don't have any constant viewers.

So, I really wish I can figure out all the complicating stuffs happening now...

Signing off..

2011-07-24T01:32:00.000+08:00

I'm too tired, too let down, too exhausted, both physically and mentally. had 4 new workers today and i had to "train" them personally. i was rather disappointed, as the HR manager, i failed to see the negative motive of these youth to come work for me..

what's worst, one decided it would be nice to ask me for the other girl's number, claiming that he wanted to get to know her better, well, i did say everyone there is their colleague, but i didn't mention to mix only with ONE particular person. odd isn't it?

whatever the case, i had eyes watching the new people and reporting to me. I'm gonna fire afew because i only need serious people who are willing to work for money, I'm not hiring people who are serious to meet new people and getting paid. NO!

I guess i do find out alittle about myself today, I'm the type of person who needs to constantly work to get my mind off stupid stuffs. Everyone around me in "introducing" girls over to me, but what they fail to notice is, i don't just go for girls because they have looks...or whatever features they have at initial appearance...

I'm just so tired, i really need more sleep, will be editing my final work tomorrow night, and hopefully after i submit the report on monday, I'll be able to reduce the stress level to around 70%. Right now it's 250% stress level and it's slowly killing me from the inside..

Somehow I might just be cause in a series of, how do i say it, confusing decisions, but not likely needing to make an actual decision right away, but well, it's still tough for me, I don't feel safe either spitting it out, although I know that it's more of a secret blog..

Whatever the case, I really hope my stress level can continue to drop till maybe 20%? I'll do an update again soon..for now, I must first concentrate on what is the most essential things before I go on to the not so important stuff..

(see, when I'm stress, I type lots of rubbish and meaningless stuff, but it makes me feel better )

Signing off..

2011-07-23T11:21:00.000+08:00

Somehow i have decided that it's best i started blogging again, so should i put it in another way, find a very simple way to rant out all my life's problem. i dont intend to publicize my blog, nor do i ever intend this for anyone to read...you can ask, so why not make it a private one?

Simple, what's the point of being all private? i might as well not write up my stuff. whoever stumble across this blog, consider yourself lucky to see my start updating after 1year++. Many things happened, many things changed, but sometimes, changes are too quick for even myself to handle..

So, what's the problem? First, I'm not even sure what i want in life. Yes, I'm considered quite successful at the age of 21, making hundreds every week. but i don't really see a point in making so much cash without someone i can truly enjoy with. what do i really mean? Straight forward, i totally suck at relationships.

Been in and out a couple of relationships and i don't seem to be able to handle them well. It makes me wonder sometimes why people can easily treat me like that. Yes i have my part to play though, but seriously.....right, All of a sudden, i don't wish to talk about it anymore.

I just wish the right person will come by and show me I'm wrong, wrong about every aspect i have in mind. though i really wish to say everything out, I'm the very secretive type of person, somethings just cannot be released onto this page..it's dumb, it's private, it's sensitive...

Whenever i stroll, anywhere and everywhere, i see happy couples hugging, holding hands...and then i look at myself, i can only put my hands in my pocket and look away. Feeling rather pathetic and shy about it.

Maybe I'm just not fated to be in a relationship...or maybe it's just isn't the right one yet?

I dont know...but i hope to find an answer soon enough....

Signing off..